Father's Day is June 18th!
And despite all the sentimentality you'll see in television and print advertising about the holiday, the sad fact is that more collect calls are made on Father's Day than any other day of the year. And if that wasn't depressing enough, a great number of the callers, after a perfunctory display of affection, proceed to compound the thoughtlessness of their act by steering the conversation towards money.
As in, "Dad, I'm out. I need more. Help me. Or they're going to kill me."
And predictably, with only a dutiful, dignified nod, the father ensures that money will flow yet again back into the coffers of his ungrateful, parasitic progeny, so that he or she may live to engage in future acts of long-distance panhandling with that special man whose burden they will only begin to appreciate late in his golden years, when he will surprise them with a collect call of his own, informing them that the inheritance he had originally planned for them has been, through their relentless begging, transformed into a mountain of crushing debt which will soon be bequeathed to them, right at about the time when the Social Security system itself collapses in insolvency...
And now that the conversation has turned suitably grim, and the specter of backbreaking debt and karmic retribution floats over this email like two giant, depressing things that would be better left unmentioned in any marketing context whatsoever, there's only one thing left to say...
INTRODUCING THE DESPAIR, INC. FATHER'S DAY SALES PROMOTION!
Yes, you heard it right. Despair, Inc. is extending to our domestic customers a special father's day coupon code, granting the American user TOTALLY FREE SHIPPING on all orders over $15*. All you have to do to get it is to be willing to type in the following coupon code:
"yesasamatteroffactireallyamthischeap" (NO QUOTES).
(OR, if you're just as lazy as you are stingy, "imcheap" works, too, but man, I just have to let you know that if you type this in, you are so not the kind of customer that marketing people want to target. Just so we understand each other.)
Yes, those of you outside the United States are excluded from this promotion. But because we feel sorry for you, we are offering an alternate coupon code, which will grant the user 15% off their order. All you have to do is type: "iwishilivedinamerica"(NO QUOTES).
Looking for some gift suggestions? Well, we've updated our Notecard Packs recently. And we've discounted The Art of Demotivation, The MORE Special Edition DVD, and our Pessimist's and Demotivators Mugs. How easy do we have to make this?
* Orders will ship via Priority Mail- which usually arrives within 3 to 5 days but is not guaranteed to. So if you want this to arrive at your father's house in time for Father's Day, don't delay!
Introducing the ZDNet / Despair Whiteboard Sessions:Dr. E.L. Kersten joins forces with technology news leader ZDNet to offer three quick demotivational management lessons to executives and IT leaders everywhere. It's almost like having a personal mentoring session with Kersten himself, except that it won't cost your $30,000 and doesn't end with the ceremonial evisceration of your least favorite underling. (Those interested in availing themselves to Kersten's personal mentoring sessions, which include 6 hours a month of private, phone-based consultation for the aforementioned sum, need only contact us at email@example.com.) "An Honest Org Chart"
"Developing a Compensation Plan"
"Signs of a Demotivated Workforce"
Related Tags: Satire, Comedy, Humor, Despair, Despair, Inc, Demotivators, Demotivation, Father's Day, ZDNet, Whiteboard, E.L. Kersten, Management