Friday, July 20, 2007

More fashion tips

From time to time I am reminded that the world needs fashion police. And unfortunately they need a regional precinct located at my restaurant. Since that doesn't appear to be happening any time soon, I'll share with you some friendly suggestions on fashion for when you are visiting Red Lobster (and pretty much any where else).

The following are things to avoid:

1. If it is your first date, wearing matching hat and shirt, as well as carrying matching sunglasses, wallet, phone (Nextel!), and having a phone ring tone of your favorite Nascar race driver is going a bit overboard. Even if it is the only thing clean. Even if it is your best shirt and hat. Even if she "likes NASCAR". A lot.

2. If your skirt is so short I can tell you got a Brazilian wax yesterday you might want to remind yourself to keep your legs closed when sitting in our restaurant.

3. If the back side of your bra looks like it has a headlock on a string of sausages, you need professional help.

4. If you have to unbutton something to keep eating, it might be time to move up a size. Or two.

5. Crushed velvet sweat pants.

6. Running shorts. Yeah, just what everyone wants to think about when eating, Richard Simmons.

7. Rhinestones. Ugh.

8. Sequins. The 80's called, and they want their prom dress back.

9. Wife beater tee-shirts are only appropriate for drive through service. No matter how many gold chains you are wearing.

10. If you have double D's that point toward your toes from you 6 children, wearing a tight (and stained) white tee-shirt with no bra will make me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

11. You need to change your clothes more often than you go through a carton of cigarettes. Even if you smoke a carton a day.

12. Your shirt has buttons for a reason, use them. We don't all want to see where you had open heart surgery, and who knows what else.

13. Ladies, we don't want to see your plumbers crack. There is a weight limit on low rise jeans. Many of you exceed it.

14. Goth is out. Especially if you are 40.

15. Sandals and socks. These were never in.

16. Ladies, if you gut hangs over your belt you shouldn't wear a midriff showing shirt. We'll just think it is a old shirt that fit you 4 sizes ago, not sexy.

17. Zebra stripes. They only look good on Zebras.

18. Wearing a tee-shirt stating "Free mustache rides". Especially if you are a woman. Especially if you are a woman with a mustache.

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Joyce said...

You're a guy and you've gained 150 lbs since high school, but you think you still wear a size 34 pants. (you can picture it, can't you?)

mrclm said...

Mommy's whale tale - ladies, if you've given birth in the last 3 months, we really don't need to know you are wearing a G-string/Thong today.

Old guys with white shoes, long black socks, white legs, then shorts. Often the goofy kind of shorts that you only ever see on a golf course or in Florida. That doesn't look good.

Steve said...

Ah, the cigarette stench, also known as Eau de Hobo. Even at the liquor store, it's way worse than booze breath.

Liquor Store Stories

Sarah said...

Men, the waist of your pants should not rest below your giant beer gut. Get.A.Bigger.Size

briliantdonkey said...

Dunlap belly badddd.

Dunshrunk shirt,,,,worse.

Combo of the two.....inexcusable.


Rose said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!! Number three just cracked me right the fuck up. This is the best post yet! hee hee

I've been reading you for a long time, too, right along with Insane Waiter and I Serve Idiots. It prompted me to start my own journal about my own work experiences in dealing with the public. Check it out if you ever get a chance.

Masquerade said...

Old men who wear their shirts half unbuttoned so you can see their gray chest hair and the top half of their potbelly.