Sunday, April 01, 2007

A direct correlation?

So tonight I'm waiting on this guy who looks like the "Hair Club for Men" guy before his hair grew back. He has those 6 inch long hairs from the front of his head gelled back trying to cover the bald patch across the top of his head. His lady is wearing makeup that I can only imagine was inspired by Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Her eye liner is a about a quarter inch wide, and isn't all that close to the actual edge of her eyes. Far too much blue eye shadow, and much too much red crap on her cheeks (whatever that is called). The bad part of this is she's a decent looking women who looks like a clown applied her makeup, or perhaps she let her 4 year old work some magic on her face before heading out on her date.

The guy takes a while to pay, but eventually I see him stick some bills into the check holder and he slides it to edge of the table. I walk by to get drinks for an adjacent table, and baldy makes a big deal to stop me, and inform me that "it's all there, and something extra for you too. Thanks pal!" he says. I take it, thank them and bid them goodnight and walk off not giving it a whole lot of thought. I come back through, finish pre-bussing the table, and thank them again. A few minutes later I get around to closing out the check - $46 and change check, two $20's and one $10. Yeah, a verbal tip and a crap tip. Funny how they always come together.

Time drags on, we're busy, and these two low rent shits insist on camping in my section. They've been done for 20 minutes. 30 minutes. 45 minutes, and yet they still sit, still BSing, and still aren't paying my bills.

An hour after their meals are done, plates cleared, and nothing but two water glasses are left I walk over to the lady at the table and ask her if I can tell her a theory I have about men. She says "Go ahead, I'm always looking for insight into men."

I say to her, I have a theory that men tip according to their penis length. A guy who tips 15% has an average sized dick. 20% tippers have a larger than average sized manhood, and 30% tippers should be in porn.

Intrigued, she asks me how much her date tipped. I inform her less than 10%. I also suggest that if he's willing to screw me with that little thing, he's planning on doing the same to her. And I mention that she and I will be about equally satisfied after he leaves. She laughs. Laughs at him. Stands up, and walks out leaving him sputtering in his shame.

Those are the kinds of things I think about saying, but never do knowing I still have bills to pay. It sure was tempting to actually say that tonight though. In reality they left after spending 2 hours 15 minutes in my booth during rush, and leaving less than 10%. Jerkoffs.


OldSchool36 said...

Wow, I thought this post was gonna end with "And that's how I lost my job at Red Lobster."

Would've been a nice way to go, though. lol

Cheyenne said...

Haha - I thought you had actually said that at first. I know what it feels like to not be able to tell people what you think. I'm also very tired of hearing 'the customer is always right' - newsflash, you're not. Argh!

ktlee said...

Thought provoking theory....

Terri said...

I just got a job at Red Lobster...and your blog has terrified me. Thanks. :-p

mrclm said...

Don't let the Lobster Boy scare you away. There's bad people no matter where you wait tables. But he is telling the truth, so enter into "our world" with eyes wide open.

Big Chris

Moose said...

So if that's how it works for male tippers, how does it work for females? :-)