Thursday, March 20, 2008

"That bitch gave me crabs!"

As a server, I occasionally get to hear some pretty outlandish things from my customers. Often they don't realize I can hear them, or because we are constantly on the move as servers we walk into a conversation before someone realizes we are within hearing distance. Other times people are just dumb asses, and speak way too loud about things they shouldn't be talking about in such a public place. The one below fits into this category. It also falls into the category of funniest things I've ever heard someone say!

A table of two attractive lesbians were in for dinner a while back. I know you're saying "how do you know they were lesbians?", and let's just say I know (the hand holding, gazing into each other eyes, their ongoing conversation). They were seated in the section next to mine, so I wasn't actually waiting on them, but was right next to them for much of their dining experience. Somewhere during their meal they must've gotten on the subject of old flames and ex's. I heard a snippet here and there, but nothing that grabbed my attention.

I was at a neighboring table when I heard a hand slap the table (which caused my head to turn toward the sound) and then the following words just a bit too loud "...and you know what? That bitch gave me crabs!" I was stuck somewhere between shock and laughter as it really caught me off guard. She realized right away that she had said that fairly loud, and immediately began to blush, and I do mean red. And her lover? She laughed! I thought the lady might pee herself she laughed so hard! I'm not too certain how many other people heard her, it was a pretty busy time, but once I made it to the bar I couldn't help but laugh a little. The joys of being a waiter.

Anyone else ever over hear something hilarious?


Jamie said...

My sister and I were having lunch at a restaurant right before Easter with my mom several years ago. My mom had put the Easter cards on the table and my sister spilled her drink right at that moment. My mom screamed "G-d da-n it (sister's name) during the lunchtime rush. I thought my mom was going to eat her dinner under the table.

Half Ocean Half Sky said...

I brought a refill right when a lady at my table said, "He wanted to try on the condom for size..."

I don't really know what to make of that...

Sethamphetamine said...

all the time! working near "economy housing" really draws in the a great crowd for evesdropping. the last time i heard something great was this party of four i had. this family needed their own reality show. the youngest son - white thug, parents- middle class squares, unknown guest (i'm guessing older son)- cowboy with a thick accent, belt buckle, five gallon hat, and for some reason, shop gloves. out of place in southern CA. anyway, this cowboy guy was talking all kinds of crazy. most of it i don't remember, but i was bringing a re-fill to that table and just as i got in ear-shot i hear him talking quite loudly and he says, ". . .and he put the gun down. hell, all i wanted was some more cookies!" it was great. another time, i could hear yelling in the back of the restaurant and peak my head out of the alley and see a man walking briskly and a woman chasing right behind him. the man says to a manager as he walks, "get this bit-h away from she causin' problems wid my family" the girl behind him goes off screaming. apparently he was there with his wife and the woman screaming happened to be his baby's mamma from a previous relationship. so the girls is screaming nonsense like, "yeah you better run outta here wid dat dirty ass tramp! blah blah blah!" just then my co-worker came up to me (he's gay) and says, "that's why i don't fu-k with girls." and walks away. by far one of my favorite days at work.

Wegrit said...

When I lived in Indiana, I worked in a breakfast/brunch/lunch place that catered to the white collar downtown clientele of bankers, lawyers, shop owners and newspaper people. I would overhear some very strange things. Two of my favourites:

1. A pair of thirty-something businessmen who were talking about God knows what because when I walked by I heard, "and then he mistook me for a pediatric patient."

2. A lawyer regular came in with a friend of hers and I walked into the middle of this conversation, "so we pretended to be gnomes and tai-chi masters on the lawn." I can only assume they'd been on mushrooms.

CambionXL said...

I was waiting a table at my red lobster... in ohio

An attractive 30 something lady eating by herself asks without provication

"I bet your 8-9inches aren't ya, I just got divorced... I gotta make sure my guessing is on its game"

my responce:
"Ma'am I just got married... my wife has taken custody of it.. I'm not sure what it even looks like now."


William said...

My favorite, although I've forgotten so many other hilarious ones... there was a middle-aged couple waiting to have their food order taken, and the woman was so livid that she didn't even notice that I had walked right up to the table
Woman: "Once I hid a camera in the closet and caught him doin it!"