Friday, October 03, 2008

Doing gross things at the table

Do your customers ever do gross things at your tables (or where you work)? Here's a few stories from my long list.

Guy scratching incessantly at his balls. You're in public. I don't care if your dick is literally on fire, you don't have to touch it this much. And if you put your hands inside your pants to do the "itching", I'm calling the cops.

Adjusting your thong. Yes ladies, you do this in public far too much. Especially those of you exceeding the weight limit for the thong. We don't want to see you digging your string out of any crack in our restaurant. Save that for the internet.

Picking your nose. There is no age this is appropriate for. It's not cute when your 2 year old does it, and it is down right repulsive when your 45 year old husband does it. Go mining for nose goblins elsewhere.

Gross things with children. The list here is so lengthy that I can't even begin to cover them all, but a few are below.

Changing diapers in the dining room. We have changing stations in the bathroom. The rest of the world does not need a whiff of diaper bomb from your ugly crotch dropping. Mounds of pig shit smell better than that.

Sick and barfy kids. If your kid looks sick, acts sick, or has any sort of food allergies I give you three options: 1) Stay the hell home 2) Carry a barf bag 3) A boot to the head. #3 comes into play if you choose to not exercise #1 or #2. Seriously though, nobody wants to see your little poltergeist projectile vomiting popcorn shrimp and apple sauce. And if/when they do - clean it up. Don't expect the restaurant staff to clean up your family bio-hazard. And tip well you prick. I'd bet 7 out of 10 times someone pukes, we the server get 10% or less. It's not our fault dumbass.

Eating food off the floor. You'd be less likely to get a disease if you ate your food off the ground in an alley in the poor section of Calcutta. Restaurant floors (where carpeted) under booths and tables are some of the most filthy places on the earth. Further, why anyone would think it is a good idea to let your kids crawl around under there is beyond my comprehension. The booger picker, pukey kid and the crotch itcher sat there earlier. And all the old lady's used tissues end up here too. And if you live near a farming area, whatever sorts of manuer is available will be found here as well. And maybe Ebola too.


Anonymous said...

The worst thing I have ever seen was a big, hairy old farmer who wore Carharts without a shirt, and then proceeded to reach his grimy hands underneath the overall to scratch and rub his sizable belly.

Eric said...

A few years ago my daughter was in the church choir at our Parish. There was a big christmas show. Near the churh is a nice hotel with a dining coctail area.
We decided to go there and have a glass of wine and some knosh before her show.
All was going well until suddenly the daughter turned white and before we could react, urped up on the table. Our waitress hightailed it out of there but the bus girl and another waitress cleaned up the mess and found the kid a clean shirt. We appologised, paid and left.
The next day the spouse went back and found the bus girl and the waitress that helped and tipped them both 20 bucks each.
The waitress who abandoned us got the tip from the meal which was fair @ 15%
I hear what you are saying but sometimes shit happens. It is all in how the parents deal I suppose

SUGAR said...

this blog is SO ridiculously refreshing. (i'm also an RL server and have seen, dealt with, experienced about 90% of what is spoken about here).

thanks again

stupescommaruth said...

yeah, it's pretty gross when you see someone digging in their nose for a good 3 minutes and then they hand you their visa or some cash to pay for their coffee. . . .


Anonymous said...

dont you just hate when you walk up to the table and you start to give your spill (yes people, we HAVE to give that long speech about the fresh fish and now the woodfire grill) and you barely get out your name and you are cut off by "Diet Coke w/ a straw!" Then, when you come back they are already on you about the cheddar biscuits (yes they are biscuits, not rolls, bread, cheesy things, or any combo of the forementioned). Sorry, just had to vent. I know its about disgusting things, and i have seen my fair share, but i think our pain should be known.

Jake said...

Fuck you Servers! You are all just a bunch of little puss ass bitches. I've been a server at the Lob for about five years now (killer vacation pay by the way--the only actual reason why I stay)and there are some very nasty people to serve... the worst ever is the smell. The smell I'm talking about however is a smell that tops all freaking skany ass stenches--menstruation.

As you all already know, black folks love the Lob. I was working a lunch shift. A rather large black woman was sat at my table; she took up the whole side of one booth and her belly hung over the table a little. Her red shirt was tight, and she had a matching red ribbon in her dyed light brown hair with her roots showing. She ordered two shrimp cocktails, a doz of oysters, and ultimate feast, and two lbs of king crab and a crap load of Ice Tea. Pretty freaking awesome actually because the tip was huge and she increased my add-ons like tits! But, there was a strong stench coming from her crotchal area... the smell of menstruation. Some women have it bad and she was the world record holder. Guests asked to leave the dinning room and the one adjacent to it because the smell was so terrible. Like the smell of a dead animal watered down with a smell of a cheese factory. I had to hold my breathe by the time she got her crab legs.

The dinning room she sat in smelled for the rest of the day. And, it is our largest.

Puke, nostril picking, dipper change, scratching your Johnson, and looking at fat bitches pick out their thongs... it ain't got nothin'. The smell of menstruation is the worst of all, and the day a woman comes in with utterly horible smell of the month, you will quiver in your white Oxford dress shirt and black slacks and wishing that they sell Summers Eve in the woman's restroom.

Anonymous said...

After reading this entry I had to comment - we were out a month or two ago with our two kids, five and one. My one-year old daughter had been acting fine and not at all sick (you see where this is going) and at one point my husband picked her up and she puked all over the high chair and a little on the floor. Fortunately the high chair caught most of it. I still don't know if she was ill (if she were I would never have brought her out had I known it) or if my husband accidentally Heimliched her or what.

Anyway - the waitstaff immediately ran over and started making like they were going to clean it up, but I literally stood in front of the mess with my hands out and told them no, it was my daughter's mess and not what they get paid to deal with, so could they please just bring me a bucket of cleaner and some rags? They brought me the supplies and I was able to quickly clean and disinfect everything, then put the rags into a bag they supplied for me.

Fortunately there weren't any other diners in our section to disgust and it was an easy cleanup. I left a 25% tip that night.

I'm a firm believer that especially when I'm out with my two kids that I need to be extra responsible for myself and my spawn. I can't stand seeing young children trash a table and leave the whole awful mess for the server to clean up. When we're done with our meal I'll have my husband take my kids to the waiting area and then I'll get down on my knees and pick up all the shit they dropped on the floor. I also stack plates and put trash in one place so its easy to pick up.

Don't know why I felt the need to share, maybe just to say I'm a parent who totally gets it, and I hate other parents who make their kids someone else's problem, too.

trunks_luver said...

Cleared a table and found a dirty diaper in the bread basket. Pure class.