Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I'd tap that ass guy

Today I want to talk about what I believe to be almost an industry standard. I have worked in more restaurants than I care to admit in the last 20 or so years of my life, and in each an every one of them there was at least one guy who fit this category. That category being "hump it if it moves, and if it doesn't move poke it, and then hump it anyhow."

You know the type right? I've (unfortunately ;-) ) never met a woman like this. It's always a guy. He was probably the guy you knew as kids who humped knot holes in trees until he discovered bees like to live there.

He's the guy who goes into the women's bathroom and write his own name and number on the walls.

This is the guy who stands at the service station filling drinks and scoping the dining room for MILFs. And he's the guy who will just walk by you and state a table number, just assuming you want to go see the lady at table 26 as well.

This is the guy who is constantly trailing around any new hire, knowing she hasn't been here long enough to be repulsed by him yet. He's also the guy that at least a handful of ladies you work with have slept with after one (or more likely ten) drinks too many. And he's never discreet after he bangs you. Remember Wesley Snipe's character from "Major League"? This guy is like him, only he hangs panties on his wall instead of batting gloves.
And yet women keep screwing him. I worked with one of these guys, who openly admitted to having had a couple of STD's over the years, and yet women still mounted him with great regularity. More often than not I think it was he relentlessness in pursuing them, and his inability to understand "not interested".

I would regularly warn my new female trainees in one restaurant. I'd warn them that he's going to be friendly and persuasive and that he has a history. And I would warn them if they were lured in, to not allow him to video it, because people won't forget that (really!). I wouldn't ever go beyond that, but I felt I had to do something at least. In the end, it's still their choice, and I'm not a babysitter nor their parent.

And don't think for a moment this is limited to straight males. I've worked with both gay and bi men who fit this mold too. I once worked with a chubby chaser who nearly got a sexual harassment suit because of his fondness for one of our dishwashers. Our dishwasher, in his limited English, tried his best to explain that he didn't like men. At all. Yet tap that ass guy kept on, and on, and on until one of the older Latinos scared him off with the threat of a law suit. And no, the Latinos would never go to the management with this. You'd be more likely to find tap that ass guy dead in a dumpster with his balls chopped off and stuffed in his mouth.

I worked with a guy whose stated goal was to shag someone from each department on our staff in just one summer (management included). He came pretty close supposedly, missing out only on a host because they were all too young or were guys.

Anyone else work with tap that ass guy? What's your story (no names please!)?


Anonymous said...

It sounds as if your, "Tap That Ass Guy," has yet to move up to the major leagues. Any Tap That Ass Guy worth his chlamydia would not be dissuaded by the legalities of how old the hostess was.

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Eric said...

I am brought to mind of an old Onion Article about the waitstaff of a local restaurant getting tired of sleeping with each other.

Norm! said...

I worked, since 'retirement', in only three restaurants. My old pal, John has worked in hundreds, though, and his tale agrees with mine . . .
It is, mostly, the Girls who talk dirty, tease and tempt.
Those that don't, and get offended, are rookies to the business.

But one has to see that many, most, are married, or otherwise in some sort of relationship, and play yer cards Slowly!

I may have Been a 'Tap Ass' guy, even at age 50! But sometimes them gals would cross a line and tempt to the Point of No Return!

This, as I assume ye know, is contrary to the being of a Man!

Mike the Waiter said...

LOL! very funny and spot on ... there is always one.... in college, it was a guy we called "H.T." for Horny Tom ... boy did he hate that...
very entertaining post. keep up the good work.
peace, mTw

purplegirl said...

My current restaurant seems to lack this guy, which is quite the shock. It's almost like working in a respectful workplace.

You know, except for the jokes every time someone needs a cherry, the random ass slapping/bumping, the constant innuendos about everything ... oh hell, forget I used the work "respectful".

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

We don't have the Tap that ass guys at the "Restaurant that shant be named", however, we have plenty of slutty females, three of which have made it completely through the kitchen staff, including those that are married and in relationships, and two of those three have made it through all but like 4 of the guys on our dining room staff.

It's a fun job! I'm back online, LobsterBoy, and it makes me happy to see that you never left.


Amber said...

Hey! I love your blog.
I wait tables, so it makes me feel better when I know other people deal with horrible people. lol.
I have started writing a blog about the scandal at my place of work. I thought you might like it.
It includes a few tap taht ass guys -- && even mentions Red Lobster, even though I dont work there!
here's the link:

Let me know what you think!

Sethamphetamine said...

We definately had one or two at our RL. The guy that entertained me most, though, was the "Didn't tap that, but wish i did." he would always tell the crew of his latest sexcipade with one of the other servers, yet none of them were confirmed by the other party involved. or anyone else. It got pretty old after a while, but it was fun to hear his fantasies. it was more sad than disgusting. great post. oh, and you know you looked at table 26. and no, you wouldn't think of tapping that, which makes "Tap that ass guy" all the more amusing. . .and disgusting.

Unknown said...

At one job, we had individual washrooms here & there, like in a house. So anyway the lock was a lame push-button one, again, like in a house. It's spring got a bit wonky and, well, it failed to hold, while I was in mid-wipe, and who do you think was standing in that doorway? Tap dat ass guy! Oh nooooo! I wanted to pour bleach all over myself I felt so dirty. I'm only glad I wasn't putting in a tampon. He would've liked that, and I woul've had to slay him!