Thursday, December 08, 2011

Red Lobster Day Care

Let me be clear here.  My job is to bring you food and beverages, not baby sit your obnoxious crotch droppings.  Just because you made a bad choice and split a case of Busch Light with Bubba in the back of his 4x4 doesn't make me in any way sympathetic to your plight in life.  Take care of your fucking kids.

No, I won't apologize when I'm carrying a large tray of very hot food with breakable plates and glasses and I happen to step on/kick/elbow/punt your little bastard as I walk through the dining room.  And no I won't apologize when I laugh when they trip over a leg of a chair and smash their face on a table because they are running around like a ferret with rabies.  And no I don't have band aides.

And HELL NO I'm not taking that dirty diaper from you, there is a garbage in the bathroom next to the changing station.  Oh - you changed it right there on the table?  No, I'm not wiping that for you either (though you can be assure I'll napalm it to death with every disinfectant known to Red Lobster immediately upon your leaving).

While you might be lured into thinking we are a baby sitting service - I mean we do have the Lobster Tank with giggly teenage hostesses standing nearby - aka Child Entertainment Zone - we do not actually get paid to watch your kids.

I don't care what political party, if someone ran on the platform of a minimum requirement for people to be allowed to reproduce, I'd vote for it every time.  Just because you got the equipment doesn't mean you should get into the game.

4 comments:

Senorita said...

LMFAO ! I used to wait tables at Red Lobsta, and OMG, I think I have written the same post or at least along the same lines.

You are awesome !

Jen Blacker said...

I'm always so damned nervous going out with my 3 year old. I don't want to be THAT parent ever. He starts acting up we leave, period. Only had to do that once and now just the threat of it keeps him in line. Bring your crotch fruit snacks and something to do so they won't be bored. If you can't control them, then stay home. It's called being a parent.

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck changes their kid on the table at the restaurant? That is so nasty.

Anonymous said...

Hey LB, Just been perusing your site and after reading maybe 100 posts I think this is your best work. You've got a solid sense of humor in general and also some well justified outrage over Corporate America 2013. (And previously...)

Decent taste in scotch as well!

Hope the triathloning is treating you kindly. You've found the secret: lifelong exercise! Especially if you eat Darden(Sysco) food more than once a month...

Happy trails.

PS I'd love to see some in-depth posts about the sourcing of ingredients etc at RL.