Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Surviving Easter

Easter - as usual - was a profitable giant pain in the ass.  Was it worth it?  Debatable.

Easter in my restaurant brings in a clientele that is different than most days.  And it includes a shit-ton of good going to church pimp suits and big ass hats on fat momma's head.  It's like a ghetto family prom up in here.  I mean seriously, where the hell do you buy this shit?  I have NEVER seen that in a store.  Anywhere.  Ever.

And some of the outfits I'd swear are worn only for comical value.  I mean a fucking peacock wouldn't be able to pull some of this shit off.  I swear I was tempted to carry a camera with me this year just to catch a few of the worst offenders.  And speaking of peacocks - I'm pretty sure one especially big momma actually just had a peacock gutted and stuck it on her head.  That damn hat had to be too big to fit through the door.  Without the hat she was about 5'8" in any direction you could measure.  With the hat she was nearing 7 feet tall.  NBA centers have to tell her "down in front".  Another hat I'm pretty sure I saw in the lighting department at Home Depot a while back.

And Easter always means more damn big parties than any other day of the year.  I worked almost 10 hours on Easter, and for at least 8 of them I at least 1 party of 8 or more in my section all the time (save for while we were cleaning/rearranging tables).

I was thankfully partnered with one of our old ladies for the lunch rush and she and I work very well together.  I'm not kidding when I estimate we've shared over 100 parties together over the years so we literally don't have to communicate anything.  We know how to do it, what the other person will do, when to do it, and how to give the guests a great experience.  That makes life so easy on Easter.  I make all the salads, she takes care of all drinks & demon biscuits during that time.  I get all the extra dressings - no, I'm not kidding, it takes a second trip after delivering the salads - while she gets the second round of drinks and checks on our other tables.  Honestly I think we could do it blindfolded.

And credit to our baker, I don't know that we ever ran out of bread once on Easter.  That may be a first.  Not just in my store, but in the history of Red Lobster.  Now why the hell can't you do that every day.

And on Easter our rate of well done/burn-the-living-shit out of my steak has to go up by like 500%.  How the fuck is that even palatable?  "I want my shit fried hard."  Yes, that is a direct quote from a customer.  I had one guy tell me he'd rather the steak be black than red on the inside.  Fucked up.

We used all our silver and by mid-afternoon we were rolling our own.  Thankfully we had someone come in and roll in back to catch up up for the dinner hours or we'd have been screwed.  I don't know what our final guest count was, but it had to be the best in a few years.  Can't complain about that.  Should give our regional prick a boner.

The other thing I hate about Easter is the crotch-fucking-fire-chafing that seems to hit me each year.  I bring all kinds of shit to combat it, but it seems every year one part of my body rebels and eats my shit up.  This year (of all places) was my lower butt-cheeks where they meet just above my legs.  I don't know if my undies were in a bunch for a while, or if I had an extra heavy flow of ass sweat, but when I went to sit down mid-afternoon to catch a quick bite to eat and my ass started burning I realized that it was too late to keep it from happening.  Slapped on some body glide there (I had applied to other places earlier) to keep it from getting worse, but by Monday it felt like someone took a cheese grater to my ass.  Only now today am I starting to feel like my butt isn't on fire.  I need some crotchless server pants.  Maybe I'll give them a test drive on my last day.


Anonymous said...

You..get a quick bite to eat on Easter Sunday? You must teach me grand master. Not only does my corporate store dis-allow breaks if you pick up a Saturday/Sunday double(even if it is for mgmt benefit) you are picking it up with the full knowledge that there is no food/smoke/sit break allowed, and it will be a straight open(11am) to close(11pm) shift. And you are strictly forbidden from packing snacks such as crackers, granolas or candies to keep you going(We are told that it's against state health regulations but low and behold i've looked up every state and city statute and no such thing is mentioned. So long as it is kept away from customer food prep surfaces, it is totally allowed.) You are, however, allowed to drink as many cone cups of liquid sugar as you can handle without pissing yourself or triggering a diabetic coma. Because there is also no guarantee that you can find someone to cover you while you wee, and if you get a dizzy spell or someone throws a drink at you because their chicken "tender" isn't crispy enough..well you should be a damn good actor or you'll be told to shut up and suck it up. Wow. I heard about the hats on Easter sunday in my restaurant though. Apparently they were magnificent. If i should find myself unfortunate enough to work in a restaurant this time next year, i shall work and wear a wirecam.
Maybe some unscented baby powder would help with that chafing though. kinda icky to think about

Anonymous said...

To the comment above, check your state labor regulations. I am in NY and if you work a long shift it is mandated that you get at least 1/2 hr break inbetween shifts, and there is nothing managment can do about it. You can forgo your break but its up to the individual. As for the Easter hats, they are totally off the hook. I don't know where half of these ladies go to purchase these lovely hats...I have never seen them in any of the stores I shop in. One of them this year looked like a pidgeon crashed into the side of this one lady's hat.

Anonymous said...

About your chaffed butt, have you tried wearing running shorts?

In the Marines we all wear really short shorts that go a little less than halfway down the thigh and have an inner underwear sack like swimming trunks.

The inner lining keeps your balls from swinging around and they're a breathable light mesh that's got a nice silky feeling. The rest of the shorts are light enough to fit under regular pants comfortably as replacement boxers and the length serves as a fabric barrier so your thighs don't rub against each other, the fabric takes the abuse and is slick enough so it doesn't bunch up.

There's two versions, one is a regular bathing suit fabric, and the other is a much silkier and lighter one. The only difference other than the fabric feel is that the silkys are sometimes shorter in the length area so, for me, they don't provide as much chafe protection.

This is one of the regular brands sold on base,

Anonymous said...


Lobster Boy said...

Truth is truth.