VD free this year

Yep, I'm not missing working Valentine's Day.  Maybe missing the fast cash a little bit, but I'll get over that quickly.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

A little Colbert humor never hurts.


As a server at Red Lobster, Valentine's Day for me always ushered in my favorite time of the year - Lent.  If you are going to ever make bank at a seafood restaurant, it's during Lent.

And Red Lobster provides the added bonus of Lobsterfest to add to the tally.  Good times.

And since I worked in an area that has a pretty high concentration of Catholics for some reason, it was all the more better for my wallet.


A word to the wise out there - don't propose to your girlfriend/babymama/skank tonight while at Red Lobster.  It's not a proposal story that is going to improve with age.

Happy New Years! May 2013 Kick Major Ass!

If you are still drinking, depending on your time zone, your bar laws, or just how much of a raging alcoholic you are, make sure you are tipping well.  New Years has always been good to me in terms of tips and good times.  I can't remember a bad one in either sense.

I took a few years off altogether from waiting tables once.  Yes, I thought I had left it behind me, but little did I know that it was just the break in my time serving slop at Red Lobster.  So my first year back at it, and literally just a few weeks out of being retrained, I picked up a New Years shift covering 3 bar tables - tables that were normally reserved for the bar tenders.  But on NYE it is far too fucking crazy to get a bartender out to them.  I thought I'd make a bit of cash, have some fun, and be able to get out early since I was to be the first one cut.  I clock in and immediate a family of 4 seat themselves at the table (they could do so at these bar tables normally).  This is one of the few times a year you're supposed to be seated there by a host, there are already people waiting in the lobby for tables with a handful of us servers just coming on.

So I walk up thinking I'm going to have to ask them to move, but I give them the old waiter once over and think that they might just be worth the hassle.  I take their orders, Mom & Dad both order premium drinks, and their two teenage kids order virgin drinks.  3 appetizers, ready to order entrees, and they know exactly what they want with no questions.  I pace the meal great, keep M&D's liquor flowing, and make sure I take my normal good care of them.  Meal closes, and the bill for the 4 of them is $120.  Dad pulls out $250 and tells me to keep the change.  On my first fricking table of the night.  You know that night is gonna be nothing but awesomeness from then on!

Getting a whale tip to start your night makes everything else gravy.  Make a big buck to begin with, the rest just pads the bank.  Those night are all too few and far between, but when they come, they are like manna from heaven.  I went on to make nearly $400 in tips that night in just under 5 hours of work.  I was cocktail serving everyone in the lobby that the bartenders couldn't get out to.  Kept my 3 tables moving fast and everyone was ordering large and tipping big.  If only that were the norm, I'd still be doing it.

So if you are still out there, add a bit more green to the pile.  You're drunk, you won't miss it.  But it just might make some waiter/bartender's 2013 start of with a little extra bang.  Share the love, be generous, and gracious when needed.  There's your wisdom to start the year.  That and don't eat the yellow snow, and if you see Dick Clark stab him in the heart.

Christmas - The Season's Upon Us

Christmas without having to work at the Lobster is a gift in itself.  And I'm looking forward to drinking myself blind on New Year's Eve and sleeping in the next day until the threat of pissing myself forces me to get up.

I don't have a lot of close family (though I do have a large family) so generally I end up with my old lady's family.  And short of the hot skanks in the video below, it looks a lot like that, though dominoes are sure to make a showing every day.



If you are waiting tables this week, may your bank at the end of the night be big, your customers generous and patient, and you cooks mostly sober!  Be safe out there, have fun, and merry fucking Christmas!


My Christmas list if you are buying (it's your money, so I'm going to be generous to myself):

Lagavulin Scotch Single Malt 16 Year

I tried this Scotch a while back and was impressed.  Outside my normal, but an interesting contrast.

Michael Jackson's Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch

The only thing ever made by a Michael Jackson I'd be willing to admit I own.

Ole Smoky Tennessee Apple Pie Moonshine 750ml

This is to help me forget my name on New Years.

Macallan Scotch Single Malt 18 Year 750ML

I tried this at an upscale joint a while back (don't ask what the pour price was...) and was blown away.  Thankfully, I wasn't paying that bill.  The old lady's boss likes a good Scotch and doesn't like to drink it alone.  Me likey!

New Balance Men's M990 Heritage Running Shoe

Yes, I'm that old fat bastard that runs in New Balance shoes.  I have to do something to keep from getting fat(er).  Between booze, not waiting tables, and being home near the fridge more, the shoes should probably be first on my list.

Apple iPad (16GB, Wi-Fi, White) 3rd Generation

I'm tired of carrying my laptop everywhere.  I had a Netbook, but that sucker fried itself a while back.  I think my Macbook might be on its way out too (yes I backup regularly).  With an iPad I'd just build a low price box for my home and use the iPad 90% of the time I suspect.  Since I already have an iPhone, the iPad seem the way to go.  If I have to spend my own money, I may very well venture into one of the Chromebooks.  The old lady already has one of the Amazon Kindle HD's (she's the early adaptor of the household, I get her stuff as hand-me-downs, which is how I'm rocking an iPhone now).  And since the old bag won't share her fun toys, I'll just have to get my own.  No perv, that doesn't mean sex toys.

Gift Cards from Red Lobster for your Festivus celebration

Red Lobster is running a promo on gift cards at the moment - buy $25 or more and get a $5 card bonus coupon.  If you are a regular guest I'd suggest just buying them $25 at a time to maximize your bonus $5 opportunities.  I don't paid on the card in any way, but figured I can help people save.  If you do use the coupon make sure you tip off the original total, not the reduced total.

And for employees of Red Lobster - if you aren't getting your discounted employee gift cards, you are seriously missing out on some easy cash - at least if you have any friends or family near you.

Here's what you do:

Buy as many gift cards as you can.  I was known to sometimes buy cards from other employees who weren't planning on purchasing them for themselves.  The more you can get, the better.  Yes, this requires tying up some of your cash, but if you plan ahead and save for a while, you can get there too.  So if you can't pull it off this year, do it next year.

Give these cards to friends and family who live nearby as gifts.  Tell them when you work.  Ask that they request you as their server.  Now they are paying for a meal with a card you bought at a discounted price.  So you look like a generous giver up front, and then they come and sit in your section, are friendly to you, and are very likely to leave a generous tip. 

If you were already planning on giving them a $25, $50, or $100 range gift for Christmas/Hanuka/Kwanza/Festivus/Circumcision you no longer have to wrap it (saves time, expense, frustration and the ozone layer).  You save money on the front end, and collect a fat tip on the back end.  Winning.

Just as an aside - don't let your family/friends leave you the remainder on a gift card.  Carrying that card around - even if it is legit - is an easy excuse for Red Dumpster to terminate you if you are caught in possession of it while working.

There are some dark arts that go beyond this, but I'm not going to share those details publicly lest some moron unable to work the system tries it and gets fired and his kids don't get Christmas because the Grinch Lobster Boy planted this idea in his baked out head.

Be smart out there this Christmas season.  Make some serious bank.  Enjoy yourselves the best you can in spite of all Darden has been, is, and will be doing to screw you over.

People of Walmart

The other night I was reminded of People of Walmart.

I don't generally frequent Walmart, and when I do, it is usually when the sun is shining in the morning before I used to go into work.

But as life would have it, I found myself in my local Walmart shortly after 1:00am (a story for a different time).  I had planned on getting in and out for the two things I needed.  But I kid you not, I spent nearly an hour walking the aisles, just people watching.  I've seen a few funny get ups in my day, and even a few at Walmart.  But nothing like this.

I'm pretty sure EVERY photo at PoW is from my neighborhood.  I left my phone in the car, so I didn't even get a chance to chronicle it.  But it was beyond word.  A giant shitheap of hilarious/disgusting/pathetic/sad/revolting with a double dose of skank and nappy ho mixed in.

If they sold popcorn and beer I think I could go there every night just to watch!

Those toddlers who used to be tearing shit up in my section just before close?  They were there in overly full diapers walking through the toy section carrying a half eaten Popsicle.   At 1am.

Stoned teens with the munchies and giggles.

A handful of thongs that waved surrender 175lbs ago.

Fewer teeth than you would believe.

And skin.  Lots of skin.  Pasty, fleshy, pockmarked, stretchmarked, ashy, giggly, wiggly, it shouldn't look like that skin.  The holy shit factor was off the scale.

All I could think of was "Fuck."  And where's the pork rinds...

Surviving Easter

Easter - as usual - was a profitable giant pain in the ass.  Was it worth it?  Debatable.

Easter in my restaurant brings in a clientele that is different than most days.  And it includes a shit-ton of good going to church pimp suits and big ass hats on fat momma's head.  It's like a ghetto family prom up in here.  I mean seriously, where the hell do you buy this shit?  I have NEVER seen that in a store.  Anywhere.  Ever.

And some of the outfits I'd swear are worn only for comical value.  I mean a fucking peacock wouldn't be able to pull some of this shit off.  I swear I was tempted to carry a camera with me this year just to catch a few of the worst offenders.  And speaking of peacocks - I'm pretty sure one especially big momma actually just had a peacock gutted and stuck it on her head.  That damn hat had to be too big to fit through the door.  Without the hat she was about 5'8" in any direction you could measure.  With the hat she was nearing 7 feet tall.  NBA centers have to tell her "down in front".  Another hat I'm pretty sure I saw in the lighting department at Home Depot a while back.

And Easter always means more damn big parties than any other day of the year.  I worked almost 10 hours on Easter, and for at least 8 of them I at least 1 party of 8 or more in my section all the time (save for while we were cleaning/rearranging tables).

I was thankfully partnered with one of our old ladies for the lunch rush and she and I work very well together.  I'm not kidding when I estimate we've shared over 100 parties together over the years so we literally don't have to communicate anything.  We know how to do it, what the other person will do, when to do it, and how to give the guests a great experience.  That makes life so easy on Easter.  I make all the salads, she takes care of all drinks & demon biscuits during that time.  I get all the extra dressings - no, I'm not kidding, it takes a second trip after delivering the salads - while she gets the second round of drinks and checks on our other tables.  Honestly I think we could do it blindfolded.

And credit to our baker, I don't know that we ever ran out of bread once on Easter.  That may be a first.  Not just in my store, but in the history of Red Lobster.  Now why the hell can't you do that every day.

And on Easter our rate of well done/burn-the-living-shit out of my steak has to go up by like 500%.  How the fuck is that even palatable?  "I want my shit fried hard."  Yes, that is a direct quote from a customer.  I had one guy tell me he'd rather the steak be black than red on the inside.  Fucked up.

We used all our silver and by mid-afternoon we were rolling our own.  Thankfully we had someone come in and roll in back to catch up up for the dinner hours or we'd have been screwed.  I don't know what our final guest count was, but it had to be the best in a few years.  Can't complain about that.  Should give our regional prick a boner.

The other thing I hate about Easter is the crotch-fucking-fire-chafing that seems to hit me each year.  I bring all kinds of shit to combat it, but it seems every year one part of my body rebels and eats my shit up.  This year (of all places) was my lower butt-cheeks where they meet just above my legs.  I don't know if my undies were in a bunch for a while, or if I had an extra heavy flow of ass sweat, but when I went to sit down mid-afternoon to catch a quick bite to eat and my ass started burning I realized that it was too late to keep it from happening.  Slapped on some body glide there (I had applied to other places earlier) to keep it from getting worse, but by Monday it felt like someone took a cheese grater to my ass.  Only now today am I starting to feel like my butt isn't on fire.  I need some crotchless server pants.  Maybe I'll give them a test drive on my last day.

Happy VD.

Ahh...that wonderful scent is in the air.  Fumbling sexuality masked by too much crappy cologne.

I do really love working on Valentine's Day.  Lots of two tops that you can move fast.  The seafood is good but it is getting in the way of our fucking time so can you put a rush on it please.  Her husband gets home at 8, and I don't want to pay an extra night's rental on the ball gag and sex swing...

Seriously though, I've always made good money on Valentine's Day.  Good volume for a mid-week day this year.  People trying to impress someone else also often helps a bit with the tips.  Plus, on VD people drink.  Sometimes it is to loosen them up.  Sometimes it is because they know what lies ahead, and I'd drink too if I knew I'd be doing the nasty with "that" in the not too distant future.

The best thing on VD is gay couples.  I seriously want to open a restaurant that serves nothing but gay men.  Maybe I'll even call it Valentine's.  They dress nice, often are cute to boot (no I'm not look at you...you big hairy bear).  They know how to put on cologne.  They can rock a cardigan or argyle without looking like a tool.  They give each other cute well thought out gifts.  They eat well - and I'm not talking the 6lbs of fried shit platter - and then they tip even better.  Plus, they always have some cool party to get to, so they don't camp in my table costing me money.  I think I'd be gay just to go to their parties.

Well...maybe not.

The drawback is that my old lady gives me hell for once again working on VD.  I do make another night special (honestly...every night is special with me...) but she still gives me shit after all these years.  But, she still puts up with my shit after all these years, and in the end, that is what it all about.

Happy boning.

(click it to see at full size)

Happy New Year - 2012 is here

2012 stands to be a year of change for me.  I'll be ending my run with Red Lobster at some point this year.  While I've greatly cut back my schedule, I seem to be picking up shifts at a pretty rapid pace, so it seems not a whole lot has changed for me there yet.  Yet.  But it will come.  I dream of the day I no longer come home reeking of fried seafood.  I get excited when I think that I may never walk back through the doors of a Red Lobster as an employee.  That day is coming.

Another change in 2012 is that I will begin training for my first full Triathlon.  My old lady has done a few - and I have NO chance of keeping up with her - and she's been egging me on to do one.  I'm a wannabe avid cyclist when time permits.  I've always been a very strong swimmer.  But running flat out sucks.  I do it, only because I'm old and fat and it keeps me from getting older and fatter...well...fatter anyhow.  But I figure once I do it, I can say I've done it, and then hopefully not ever have to do it again.  Then I can retire to the lecherous old guys racquetball league.

The other day I was recruited by a business acquaintance (from my other non-seafood life) to become a Mason.  Felt like a fucking Amway pitch, but slightly more cultish and less fun.  Wins my award for most awkward moment of 2011.  I'm not particularly interested in the Scottish Rite - though infinitely interested in the right Scotch.

Speaking of Scotch - I'm ringing in the New Year the right way with a bottle of Laphroaig 10 year Cask Strength from my reserves.  This is my first time cracking this bottle, and it rates a "holy shit it's good" on my Scotch scale.  It is by no means cheap, but if you are seriously considering entering into the fine single malts of this world, you'd be a damn fool to start elsewhere.  It took me quite a number of years (and shit-tons of money) to find my niche of Scotch that really hits my palate right.  I'm on my third glass of two fingers and a splash of water and I'm warming all over and hoping I stop before I forget my name and regret it in the morning.

I've got to work lunch tomorrow, and a hangover is a bitch of a way to start my 2012.


Fuck it.  We're not going to be busy anyhow...


BTW - if you're not willing to spring for an expensive Scotch on my recommendation alone, start by trying the Glenlivet 12 Year Old.  It'll give you an idea if you should continue down this path without emptying your wallet completely.  I'm lukewarm on Speyside's since I don't know them quite as well, but I do know this Glenlivet and the punishment it has inflicted my my liver all too well.

I like Jesus, but Easter can suck my balls

Easter.  It should be a day of celebration.  And for some it is.  But rarely is it so for your server.  Sure sometimes Easter can be a big money day, but that is not something you can bank on.  You get stuck with a party of 14 who are celebrating Easter along with 22 birthdays (yes that math doesn't work, but I'm pretty sure that was what was going on today) and they camp out during peak volume for 2 1/2 hours.  Hey folks, when I got your food on the table in 12 minutes from the time you ordered that means you need to shit & git.  That lobby is full because of you.  I have whiny skanky teenage zombies (aka hosts) bitching because they have parties waiting for my tables.  And then you complain about a gratuity.  When asked about the service by the manager you gave nothing but compliments.  So when you came back in asking if we saved the cake you left behind it gave me great pleasure to inform you it was cleared by the busser and thrown in the garbage.  And when you complained to the manager I laughed when they apologized and showed you the door.

What you can also bank on is assclowns in hats.  There is a direct link to the number of hats and size of hats and how shitty your tip at that table will be.  And if there are men wearing hats and the man is under the age of 60 you may as well just bend over as you approach the table and take it like a man.  Crying only makes it worse.

Easter lunch is a horrible mix of old ladies in too much perfume, loud black families, dicks who think bible tracts are better than tips, and morons who let their kids drink 7 cokes and then wonder why they are running around in a PACKED and dangerous restaurant.  Yes dangerous.  I'll go out of my way to step on your crotch dropping if you let the bastards run through my section. When they smack their heads on chairs I actually laugh out loud.  If that's the best your genes can do, stop.  Save us all some pain.

Where the hell do all the grandmas come from on Easter.  I swear I had a table where one guy had 4 grandmas.

And another table of mine I'm pretty sure they only had one grandma.  That family tree didn't fork.  But thankfully it is hard to yell "Squeal like a pig" while drinking your scampi butter.

And men in pink.  Fucking pink.  This isn't so much a macho issue as it is an issue about you looking like a douche.  Only gay men can pull off pink, and that is only if they are really hot.  The rest of you guys need to leave the pink to the good bits on the ladies.

So I worked my ass off today, and all I got from it was a headache, swamp ass near my 'taint, and barely enough money to make me consider coming back in on Monday.  And I do mean barely.

Happy VD! (Valentine's Day that is)

Valentine's Day is generally one of my two favorite nights of the year to work (New Years being the other one). Lots of 2 tops, generally quick turn over, and lots of money to be made if the cooks don't fuck it all up and get behind.

The drawback is that the significant other in you life just won't understand when you can't EVER get this day off of work.  So just buy some extra chocolates on the way home, or plant for a few extra blow jobs to make it up. Yes ladies, I just equated chocolate to blow jobs.  Deal with it.

But the one thing that always happens is some amateur will undoubtedly propose during the evening.  This is shitty on a number of levels.

1.  It makes all the other commit-o-phobes look like assholes.
2.  It makes the slackers who aren't ready to move out of mom's basement talk about one of the few things in life they don't want to talk about - marriage.  Another one would be used grandma panties.  I've done surveys.
3.  You couldn't come up with a better place to ask the woman of your dreams to spend the rest of her life with you than a place that smells like fryer grease and dock worker ass crack?
4.  You really think trusting your 1/5 carrot wing to a highly caffeinated college dropout pothead server is a wise part of the plan?
5.  You were probably already getting laid tonight - it's Valentine's Day.  So why waste that when you could use the ring at some future date and get guaranteed nookie again?
6.  Back to #3 for a moment - Seriously?  This was all you could come up with?  I'd rather propose at the bus stop.

I quit counting a long time ago the number of people I've "helped" with their proposal.  Ring in the champaign, ring in the shrimp scampi (no, not kidding), ring on a string for a balloon.  But what I do still count is rejections.  Three.  I've been the witness to 3 major fails.

One was so full of fail that the girl actually walked out on the guy after he proposed.  Brother didn't do his homework I guess.

Best one ever though, and I'd gladly do this again, was a Marine who came back on leave without telling his girlfriend he got a week to come home from Afghanistan.  Her friends took her out as a "group date" since they were all kinda fugly/homely looking and didn't have dates themselves I'm guessing.  But they were awesome friends, because they were all in on it - he had called them on his way back to the USA and set it all up.  Her back was to the door, so she didn't see him until he literally knelt down beside her at the table.  She lost it.  Her friends lost it, hell most of the staff and half the restaurant lost it.  He was still in his BDU's (I think that's what they are called anyhow).  When she said yes the place erupted with a cheer and after a few congratulations Mr. Marine took her (leaving the friends to stay and eat) to some nice restaurant elsewhere.

Good luck tonight, make lots of cash.

I love the holidays! I hate the holidaze.

As a server I both love and hate this time of year.

Love - people out having a good time, spending money, sometimes being generous with it.

Love - regulars who give me extra tips and gifts.

Love - managers who give cool things (shh...don't tell!).

Love - cheery mood of many celebrating Christmas parties.

Love - extra hours, extra shifts and a full restaurant.

Love - after work making a fire in the fireplace and sipping some port.



Hate - splitting all the big parties with incompetent coworkers.  Or as I call it babysitting the children.

Hate - grinchy and grumpy old bastards.

Hate - grandma's who pay for the family and still tip like she's in the old country.  $4 on your $139 ticket is not appropriate you old drunken hag.

Love - family members who leave extra money behind after grandma leaves praising my service.

Hate - extra hours, extra shifts, and a full restaurant when I'm pushing 40 hours and they won't let me take more.

Hate - your blinking dumbass Christmas pin.

Hate - cleaning up all your wrapping paper.

Love - endless shrimp is over.

Hate - Endless shrimp.  Just so we're clear.

Hate - idiots who don't know how to drive in snow, which slows down traffic every day, and nearly makes me late to work.  Learn to drive or park it.  The snow isn't going away.

Hate - walking out to a frozen car after my shifts.  Where's that global warming when I need it?

Hate - new work shoes.  Damn demon possessed non-slip pieces of garbage.  Non-slip my ass.  Ever walked on ice in these things?  Might as well be walking on ball bearings.

If I don't get a chance to say it before, have a merry Christmas!

Mother's Day - we survived - barely...

Mom, I love you, but I hate your day.  Nothing personal.

Mother's Day this year was exceptionally bad in my store for our staff.  We all know it is coming, and everyone knows we won't get any time off, that is the norm, so we're used to it.

We also know that it is an "amateur" day, meaning we'll get a bunch of people who don't normally go to places as "nice" as our Red Lobster.  We're used to crappy tips, but messes, and ridiculous volume of people.  It is that very volume that usually makes up for everything else, as you are assured to walk out with a pocketful.

This year wasn't any different from an earnings standpoint.  Most if not all our service staff made far more than we would make on just a normal weekend, especially on a Sunday Lunch shift.

But something was different this year.  Something brought out a new level of asshole in quite a number of our customers, a level and frequency of asshole to rival the proctologist's office down the street.

I saw a number of servers in tears over the way they were treated by customers who were out of line.  Credit to our staff that they took the abuse and walked away, especially to one of our more fiery fresh meat young ladies who I didn't honestly believe previously could hold her tongue at any point.

What is it that is in some people that turns them onto their asshole setting on the day they should be enjoying with their mother and grandmothers?  Do you think mom wants to watch you verbally abuse a service staff?  Do you think mom wants to be reminded that you are an impatient ass-clown?  Do you think mom is honored when you raise your bitchy shrill voice to cuss out a teenage hostess because you were dumb enough to think you'd get seated right after church on Mother's Day?

I could go on, but suffice it to say the local drinking establishment, our after-hours office so to speak, was filled with Lobster crew following both shifts.  Not that it is a surprise we retired there, but the fact that all but 3 service staff showed is nothing less than amazing.  Thankfully most of us didn't have to open Monday morning.

Valentine's Day Sucks

When you are wishing that someone special a happy Valentine's Day, don't make the mistake and abbreviate it. Especially not if you are wishing them a happy one.

Valentine's day is truly a VD to servers. I don't mind it because the turnover rate is generally high with tons of two-tops I can make a boat load of cash from. But today is Sunday, and that will make for an epic train wreck of a day. Having Valentine's Day on a Sunday is like being kicked in the balls and then given a wedgie just to make sure you are really feeling the pain. Especially if you are working the lunch shift.

So honey, when I get home with a headache, hating people, smelling like a sweaty fish who showers in butter and cocktail sauce, know I still love you. But only you. Everyone else can piss off until at least my third scotch.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Somewhat because I am thankful for a lot of stuff, but mostly because I'm a gifted eater and I love to watch football. And it is one of the days in the year I am guaranteed to get to watch football. No work, no BS, just football. If you get between me and the TV while the game is on, I will tackle you.

I haven't posted about food in quite some time, but suffice it to say I love to cook for Thanksgiving nearly as much as I love to eat it! I'll be using a Coke & Salt brine for the turkey since I don't want to fry one this year. I've done this turkey before and it is AMAZING! We'll have a cornbread stuffing, corn, various other cold veggies, a roasted garlic home style mashed potato, sweet potatoes (cheating on these and using store bought ones though), beets, various salads others are bringing, and to top it all off a pear dumpling with home made cinnamon ice cream. I'm not a baker, so some others are bringing pies - Dutch Apple, Pumpkin, and Blueberry!

I know for sure we'll be drinking a couple of bottles of 2006 Ravenswood Old Vine Zin that I have been keeping in storage the last couple of years. I'm sure after dinner that some Scotch will be making an appearance too - for sure some of my Laphroaig 18 year old, and likely a few others from my collection. I also have some Goose Island offerings - both beer and sodas. I have some of their Harvest Ale and some Nut Brown Ale. I have a collection of random beers left over from Oktoberfest that will likely disappear as well.

I seriously may consume 10,000 calories on Thanksgiving day, and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them.

Until I have to burn them off on the treadmill for the next week...

Easter is insanity!

Easter is one of the two best/worst days of the year in the life of a server at Red Lobster.

You have to bring your "A" game because there is a lot of money to be made by most involved. I say by most because it happens where some ignorant family tips like crap after sitting for 3 hours on the busiest day of the year. You'll often see those servers throwing things at cars as they leave the parking lot and/or swearing and crying in back.

Easter is like being on a treadmill set to go one speed faster than many are comfortable, except done in the middle of rush hour traffic.

Easter can kill new people, so when we have green staff we often put them in as food runners and in other places where they won't get so buried and cost us customers.

Easter is where we go on wait (or on line) from the moment the doors open until often when we close that night. A big Easter day will bring in as many guests on a single day as we get in 3/4th of a slow week in our slower season.

Easter means all hands on deck. You cannot request it off. Not even if you are a regional manager. All the managers will work that day, the regional managers will often stick their head in every store within 100 miles of where they live, and will call a half dozen times beyond that.

Easter means no smoke breaks. Period. For anyone. Which makes my addicted co-workers all the more pleasant to work with.

Easter is the day where if you go down bread (our Cheddar Bay Biscuits that are like CRACK to fans of Red Lobster) your baker will struggle to catch up for a couple of hours.

Every square inch of prep space will be used. Every rack filled. Every fridge and shelf packed full. And at the end of the day you feel like you've been violated, abused, run over, and beaten - but happy because you made your cash.

I love Easter honestly, but I remember my first one when I was green so many years ago, and it honestly ate my lunch. I had only been serving for a few months at that point, and it was my first really big day. Not any more though, I can do this in my sleep. If you look for me I'll be the guy watering/coffeeing other tables, pre-busing for the new kids, and praying that I don't get a large table.

There are two ways to go for Easter, and you don't want to be caught in between. If you can get a section of all 4 tops take it (four people per table, like a section of all booths in most restaurants - I say most because some RL's have larger booths for parties). You can turn and burn your 4 tops and make a killing. Easter rarely has tables of less than 3 people, though we do get a few 1 or 2 people tables.

The other way to go for Easter is a section where you are assigned a party table - meaning you are going to take parties of 8 or more all day long. 8 or more means gratuity is added, and that means certain money. The drawbacks here are A) getting paired with a bad server and B) parties take longer so your turnover rate is lower. But I do well enough on bigger parties to make up for this (rarely does a party leave me just the added gratuity). Overall having a party section is easier because you have other people assigned to help you out, but it does take a lot more coordination and timing - so that all the food comes at once, so everyone gets salads at the same time etc. You'll hear endless complaints if one server brings salads for half the table and the other server take 2 minutes longer. Teamwork is not optional if you want a fat stack at the end of the day.

The worst place to be is the indifferent middle. These are often the sections surrounding the large party sections, and this means you'll get pulled in on a party here or there, but not for the whole day. So it jacks your section around, moving your tables and making it hard to get in a rhythm. Plus, it means your other customers (non-party ones) have to sit next to the hulking table, which is often filled with large women who are exceptionally loud. If I was a guest, I'd refuse to sit next to a large party table on Easter, even if it meant waiting a bit longer.

So to those of you who will be working rather than spending time with family this Easter, make a fat stack, and have a tall cool one after work, because Mother's Day is just around the corner!

Mother's Day

I don't care how much money can be made on Mother's Day, it has to rate as my most hated day of the year as a server. I know I'm not alone in this hatred. Nothing worse than having to deal with people who've been waiting 90 minutes to get sat, only to run out of bread. This is the day all those people who normally neglect and ignore their mother feel they must make amends. It's the day that all the people too cheap to take care of their mother on any other occasion feel compelled to inflict their greedy stingy selfish ways upon their poor server. The nice thing though is the restaurant is too loud for us to hear you snapping your fingers.

Thankfully this day only comes once a year.

One of the best nights...

Generally I hate working holidays. They are usually filled with a near endless stream of people too cheap to go out other times of the year. New Year's Eve is one of the few exceptions to that. New Year's Eve is one of the best money making shifts a server can work. People are out to have a good time. They are drinking and having fun. In a restaurant (which closes before the ball drops) people are in for a few drinks, some food, and then they hit the road to get to the real party. In and out quick, lots of booze, and really good tips. So have a good, and a safe, New Year's Eve. I'll be spending mine somewhere quiet this year, no loud bars or big parties for this waiter.

Talk to you next year!

Related Tags: Red Lobster, Server, Restaurant, Waiter, Waitress, Bartender, New Year's Eve, Seafood, Darden, Seafood Restaurant, Holidays, Holidaze, Party, New Year's Eve Party, Bar

Twice a year

Only two days a year are Red Lobster Restaurants closed. 330ish days until the next one. Back to the grind, not even enough time to play with any new toys today before having to go back to work. I think we need to work the same schedule as banks and the Federal government.

Back to the salt mine to slave away...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. Yes, I am politically incorrect. I don't care. Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas.

I don't care if you are wearing a berka, turban, or yarmulke I'll wish you a Merry Christmas.

Don't like it? I don't care. Merry Christmas.

I like saying it so much I just might start saying it on other days of the year.

Merry Christmas!

Related Tags: Merry Christmas, Berka, Turban, Yarmulke

The Holiday Rush

The holiday rush is upon us. Not only do we have the normal insanity of our own personal holiday schedules, but we servers have the added insanity of this being one of our busiest times of the year. Days off requests are often denied, as we need to keep a full floor plan. Everyone is required to work extra shifts the days before and after Christmas and New Years. Short of Lent, this is our busiest extended period as a restaurant. It also means more big parties and more people who stop in and want a quick in and out because they are shopping/traveling. Big parties and tables in a hurry are generally diametrically opposed. It is like trying to put two similarly charged magnet ends together. It is one of the few times during a year that I feel a bit sorry for our hosts, as big parties are continually destroying their estimated seating time quotes. Our lobby fills, our bar fills, and there are sections where it becomes hazardous to wait on tables because of people getting in the way.

So we will try to be cheery. We will try to fake a laugh at your lame Santa jokes, and we'll tell you that your ugly grandchild looks "cute" with reindeer antlers on their stocking cap. But keep in mind that while you are having fun, while you are spreading wrapping paper throughout our dining room, while you are spending like you have no limits, we are working. We'll take your family pictures, we'll wish you Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, but it won't really be happy for us until it has passed and we have gone to the bank.

Related Tags: Red Lobster, Darden, Restaurant, Seafood, GMRI, DRI, Christmas, Santa, Christmas Party, Christmas Shopping, Shopping, Gifts, Gift giving, Gift Wrap, Holidays, Holidaze, Christmas Spending, Christmas Stress, Stress, Job Stress, Busy Restaurant, Lent, Bar, Bartender, Waiter, Waitress, Server, Host