Cell phones - the scourge of the service industry

I could rail on for days about assclow customers using their cell phones and being massive dickwads while doing so.  I done a bit of that previously, and likely will cover it again in the future.

But this is about self-important shit for brain servers who feel like they must Tweet everything and get every single text message photo of their girlfriend's cat taking a dump the instant it is sent or the world may come to a screeching halt.

It won't.  Put the fucking phone away dumbass.  Sidework needs to be done, and where are you?  In the corner playing pocket pool with your cell phone.  You're at work.  I just walked your last two tables of food while you were texting some skeezy dude who is going to bang you ditch you the first chance he gets.

I don't care if your wife/daughter/sister/grandma/pit bull is about to give birth.  They can do it without you, or take the night off for fucks sake.  Put the phone away.

As a long time server, I'm not one to complain about service, but if I see you using your phone, if your phone buzzes, beeps, vibrates or bangs while you are near my table, it is no-holds barred hell that I am going to make your life.

Be professional.  Have some boundaries.  Grow up.  Put the phone away and go to work and maybe you'll actually make something of yourself in this life rather than just the self-inflated idea you have in your imagination.

Burn baby burn

There's a special place in hell for people who don't tip.  I'm pretty sure they'll live in satan's latrine.  You're lower than spammers and pedophiles.  Yes, I put them on the same level of hell.  It's where cats go when they die.  I'm kidding about that last part.  Maybe.

If your service sucks, complain to a manager.  Don't just stiff your server and walk out.  If your service doesn't suck, tip.  While some inbred ignoramus might want to blather on about how it is a reward, I'm here to tell you bullshit.  It is a wage.  It is more than a social convention.  When you chose not to get rot gut from Taco Hell and you picked a restaurant where the person serving your table makes significantly less than minimum wage you are agreeing to the terms to tip or complain.  Those are your two choices, with the alternative being to fuck off, stay away and go eat shit at Subway and die of food poisoning.

No this isn't because I got stiffed.  It was a single mom in my store who has a really sick kid.  She's a fantastic waitress (and not just cause I trained her).  I helped with the table.  They were happy and WELL taken care of.  But they fucked her with a verbal tip.

That doesn't pay for cancer drugs asshole.  She doesn't qualify for medical insurance here, and her ex-shitbag is 6 months behind on child support, and the state is not helping much either because of the oddity of this case in particular.  And yet you saw fit to eat the most expensive platter on the menu, drink $40 worth of liquor as a table, split two apps and take desert with you, but leave nothing for her.

I hope your pubes spontaneously combust and burn your dick off.  Then you'd be as dickless as the rest of us already know you are.

You want to see the inherent sinfulness of humanity?  Work in a restaurant.  People are fucking evil.  It's unmistakable.

Red Lobster Day Care

Let me be clear here.  My job is to bring you food and beverages, not baby sit your obnoxious crotch droppings.  Just because you made a bad choice and split a case of Busch Light with Bubba in the back of his 4x4 doesn't make me in any way sympathetic to your plight in life.  Take care of your fucking kids.

No, I won't apologize when I'm carrying a large tray of very hot food with breakable plates and glasses and I happen to step on/kick/elbow/punt your little bastard as I walk through the dining room.  And no I won't apologize when I laugh when they trip over a leg of a chair and smash their face on a table because they are running around like a ferret with rabies.  And no I don't have band aides.

And HELL NO I'm not taking that dirty diaper from you, there is a garbage in the bathroom next to the changing station.  Oh - you changed it right there on the table?  No, I'm not wiping that for you either (though you can be assure I'll napalm it to death with every disinfectant known to Red Lobster immediately upon your leaving).

While you might be lured into thinking we are a baby sitting service - I mean we do have the Lobster Tank with giggly teenage hostesses standing nearby - aka Child Entertainment Zone - we do not actually get paid to watch your kids.

I don't care what political party, if someone ran on the platform of a minimum requirement for people to be allowed to reproduce, I'd vote for it every time.  Just because you got the equipment doesn't mean you should get into the game.

Rapture Cats

I think all the neighborhood cats have been raptured.


That or my shot is getting better.

Tighty-Whities (Please pull your pants up!)

This is damn funny! I might put this on regular rotation at my restaurant!



Hat tip on this to my old boy Big Chris!

Making Change...

Making change is a simple process, yet so many people do it poorly. So today I am going to give you all a lesson in change making processes. Please pass this on to everyone you know, especially the inbred teenagers at my local KFC. BTW, that new Chipotle Chicken at KFC is damn near addictive. Needs a bit more heat for my tastes, but spot on flavor wise!

The wrong way:
If you are in the food service industry there is a right way and a wrong way to return change to your customers. The wrong way would be to put all the change, bills and coins, into the check holder and then place said check holder down on the table. Now when your customer picks up the check minder, the coins go flying everywhere, and the gentlemen is cursing the dumbass (you) who did this to him. A quarter hit his ugly wife in the head, and the kids are now under the table eating things off the floor and fighting over a nickel that rolled there. Not the best last impression to be making to those people who pay your bills.

The right way:
Take the dollar bills, and place them inside the check minder. Place the check minder down on the table. Place the loose coins on top of the check minder (so they are visible to the guest). Now your guest will be able pick the change up, stick it in their pocket (hopefully) and then open up the check minder and retrieve the cash portion of their change and leave you a nice fat tip.

Now you might say but aren't the guest going to complain that they didn't get all of their change? Only once or twice a year do I get someone not smart enough to figure out to open the check minder for the remainder of their change. And I deal with 5000+ guest most years, many of whom come from the shallow end of the gene pool. If they can figure it out, so will your guests. My guests aren't uniquely intelligent. If anything they are dumber than average.

Fast Food Change making

The wrong way:
Place the bills and/or receipt into the customer's hand and then place the change on top of the cash/receipt. You moron. Where's my hammer, I'm going to pound some sense into your thick skull.

The right way:
Place the change in the customer's hand FIRST. It's that simple. You can't screw up after that. This is especially important in the drive through. If you screw this up, when the customer goes to close their hand around the change, the coins fall to the ground (especially with women who have smaller hands) because they are trying to make sure the wind doesn't blow the cash away. It's always windy in the drive through.

What prompted this post? In the last week I've seen an experienced idiot server cause a guest to shower his family with change. He wasn't trying to make it rain. Then I'm at KFC the other day, and a guy with a broken arm in a sling gets handed his change by our local inbred teen, and because he has one arm and this clueless girl has done it wrong his change ends up everywhere. Seriously, it was like he had $10 in pennies dump on the floor with they way all the change sounded after he tried to pocket it. So then he is crawling around with a broken arm trying to pick up change off a KFC floor that likely hasn't been properly cleaned since 1982.

It's not that hard. Give it a try. Pass on this wisdom to all you know and we can change the world or something.

Splitting a meal

Just because you are splitting a meal, it does not make a 10% tip any more palatable. In fact, it's worse. I've now done the work for two people, and then got shafted extra on the tip. I don't mind that you can't eat much, or you are trying to save money, or you're trying to be romantic. I'm cool with that. But don't screw me at the end.

I have a rule of thumb, I won't leave less than $2 tip for each person at the table if I get solid service. I don't care what the ticket total is. If I go and have desert with 3 friends, and they each only have coffee, my ticket is likely only $12. I'm leaving that server $8 or more. Really. I used their table for the better part of an hour. The server brought us 3 cups of coffee each, made the desert and was pleasant about it. She brought us extra creamers. He tracked down some more Splenda. She cleaned up the 15 empty creamers and 12 empty sugar packets. He had to clean up where Bill spilled his first cup. She had to wait 2o minutes after close for us.

Pet Peeve - Dishes

Let me tell you how tired I am with the attempted banter of some guests who think they are clever or cute.

No, you can't wash our dishes. We have a Mexican crew who shit more useful things than you, and I'm not about to let you get in their way. They work hard and have earned my respect. You on the other hand have earned my disdain. Moron.

Telling me I can keep the check. How about I kick you in the nuts then, once for each dollar you owe me? Oh, I see, your ex-wife still has your balls, that definately explains some things...

Seriously. Is this the best you can come up with? You are the 30th person this week to say one of these lame lines you mental midget. Come up with something original. Nobody finds your lame ass funny. Nobody.

Pet Peeves

From time to time I'm going to feature a couple of my pet peeves. Feel free to join in.

1. It is not a baffroom.

2. Men wearing fur coats. Especially when it is warm out. I'll make an exception if you killed, gutted, skinned and sewed that coat.