Overheard in the bathroom last night

Sometimes life is too funny to make up.  Was at the local watering hole/burger joint last night for a late dinner and had to do some business in the bathroom due to the taco bar at lunch I suspect.  Had just gotten settled in and was giving thanks that they have the paper toilet barriers when two guys walked in.  I'm presuming they were younger based off of 1 set of footwear I could see under the stall and the conversation that transpired.

Dude 1:  Man, this sucks.  For like the last week, every time I piss it burns something wicked.
Dude 2:  Seriously?  What the fuck?
Dude 1: Yeah, and it is getting worse.
Dude 2:  NO.  You missed it.  We don't talk while pissing.  Even if you dick just fell off into the urinal, I don't want to know about it until my beer is back in my hand.
Dude 1: (serious tone) Nooo.  I'm worried about this.
Dude 2:  (Laughter like he'd just lost his mind.)  Remind me to never go to the bathroom at the same time as you ever again!  Pussy.
Dude 1:  Stacy is going to kill me.
Dude 2:  Maybe you would've been better off had your dick fallen off!  (laughter as they exit the bathroom).

That's how we roll ladies. And Stacy, if you are reading this, you might want to go get a checkup...

The end of the summer break

If you haven't noticed, I took the summer off.  Not because I hate Red Lobster any less, but because life is and was busy, and there was good Scotch to drink.

I've been to no less than 7 weddings in the last 12 weeks, which also is killing my free time and spending money.  I'm happy for all of you, but for fucks sake space them out more next time.  I suspect at least 3 of them will have a "next time".  Thankfully, none of them proposed in a restaurant, especially not a Red Lobster.  At 4 of them there was an open bar.  I consider it my duty to drink as much as I spent on a gift if you are going to use my favorite 2 words. If I ever see you at a wedding with an open bar and you don't tip the bartender on those free drinks I'm going to kick you in the junk.  Fair warning.  Be generous you drunken buffoons.

This also means I've been silent on the living hell that is Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp.  It's all-you-can-eat torture for the service staff, one table at a time. It really should be outlawed within the Geneva Convention.  I think it is more destructive than the chemical weapons Syrians "don't have".

I'm not a big world politics guy, but Putin is a complete asshat.  How nobody has sucker punched him thus far I don't quite understand.  Pussy Riot is right on this one.  And hey, why pass up a chance to say pussy riot?

We spent some time in Colorado visiting some old friends of mine a few weeks ago, just days before the floods there.  We drove up to Estes Park through the Big Thompson canyon that has been ravaged by floods.  My friend's family nearly were killed in the last major flood in 1976.  Thankfully they learned their lesson and don't live in the canyon any more.  Last I heard they were safe & sound though they were working hard on some major erosion that was happening on their land away from the house.

Having been through that canyon many times, and having an acute awareness of it's history every time I do go through, I am always befuddled that people chose to live there.  It's beautiful, but deadly.  It's like being married to a black widow spider.  It's not a matter of if, but rather when.

I'll be sad to not be able to drive that route this winter when we head out again for some wintery fun.  But I'm glad the loss of life was much smaller this go around than in '76.

We stopped for a day in Deadwood, South Dakota on our way to Colorado.  Spent a whole night playing blackjack in Kevin Costner's casino - The Midnight Star.  And by whole night, I mean we shut the place down.  Started the night at some bar called Buffalo something or other with outdoor music and cheap beer.  Kinda seemed like a local hole in the wall place that manages to hang on among the casinos somehow.  Service sucked, beer was flat but cheap, and the entertainer was a one man band.  While he wasn't musically talented, he was hilarious and had ZERO political correctness and a mouth that would make a sailor blush.  And he was mic'ed.  And you could hear him cuss and talk about lady parts a block away.  Mid-afternoon.  I like this place.

We had supper at Jakes - pretty good over all.  Service was indifferent but adequate.  Food was really good.  If we were smart we would've planned things better so we could've stayed in Deadwood for the night, but we mistakenly decided to stay in Spearfish so we had a late night trek there from the casino.

I was hot on blackjack.  And we had the 3 coolest dealers on the planet.  All 3 were older (2 ladies, one guy) and all 3 had been dealing for 23 years.  They were damn funny and made playing a whole lot more fun.  While I won't go into the specifics of how I managed to do so well, I tipped 30% on what I was playing for the night, another 30% on what I won on the night, and walked away from the table after 5 hours with 30% more still in my pocket than I started with.  You can do the math if you want, but I fucking dominated blackjack.  And I'm surprised because I was utilizing their free drinks all night long.  Even though it was terrible booze (though the red wine was OK actually), it was free booze.  So they lost their ass on me.  I was thinking I'd be playing some Texas Hold'em, but never got away from the BlackJack table.  You don't break a streak.  Not even to piss.  Unfortunately for me, I'm not a huge better, so my take was percentage high, but not huge numbers. My success was offset by my buddy who was traveling with us who lost far more than I earned in the same amount of time.  Though in his defense, he was playing like a fucking moron.  He pre-decided before we sat at the table that he was splitting everything all night long at every opportunity.  And he doubled down more times than I can count.  And he was betting about 3 times the amounts I was playing.  But he has disposable income like that, and his wife had green lit the expenditure so it was no-holds barred while we were at that table.

I gamble maybe twice a year (unless you consider getting tickets to the Cubs gambling...) so I'm pretty well set for a while now.  This of course excludes any gambling done at poker nights with the guys.  That doesn't count in my book.

My only other thought on this now way to fricking long stream of consciousness bowl of turds is damn I've missed the NFL.  My prediction is Seattle vs. Denver with Seattle winning the Superbowl.  The Steelers will have a losing record.  Kansas City will make the playoffs.  And I'm leaning towards the Bears making the playoffs, though they looked like crap against the Vikings last weekend.  I'm pretty sure the Vikings didn't want to win that game, and the Bears won it by accident.

To the Boston Marathon bomber(s)

Fuck you.  Yes, you read that right.  You can fuck straight off.

This is America.  We will find you.  We will not be intimidated.  I don't care what your unholy self serving agenda is, you will be stopped.

I'd like to encourage my government to institute public crucifixions for all who were part of this plot.  Whip them, beat them, nail them to a cross on the White House lawn as an example for all the world to see.  Don't fuck with us or we'll hang you out there to die slow and miserable like.

And when you die after a slow, torturous last few days and you arrive in hell, I'd only ask that you be placed in the pit for the outhouses in hell.  A deserving place for you to be.

NCAA Basketball Tournament

I'm not a big basketball fan, and this is especially true of the college game (men's or women's).  But I do seem to always get sucked in to a few games this time of year via the men's NCAA tournament.

One thing I have taken note of this year is the exceptional branding the NCAA has done with their product.  While some of the games are being shown on the largely obscure TruTV station, and many others on TNT or TBS, a significant number are on good old broadcast CBS.  But that's not the great branding job.  Where the NCAA has hit it perfectly is by making ALL of these games available for viewing online.  That is outstanding.  Take your very best product and give it away to everyone with internet for free.

I sat in a restaurant late last night watching some of a game on my phone.  At no charge.  Installed an app, and off it went.  You want to build your base, this is how you do it.  You don't do it by burying your best games on NFL network.  You don't do it buy having a League Pass.  You don't do it by creating something called "Insider" and charging extra for it (yes, ESPN, you're not above criticism in this).

Sure, the NCAA has gotten a sweet TV package to support this, but they've gone above and beyond where they didn't have to.  While I'm normally on the outside looking in at these games because I don't care, I've been drawn in more this year that probably any other, and it is because I can follow the game from my office, to the bus, walk down my block and into my house and not miss a dribble, no look pass, or buzzer beater 3.

Well done.

The only direct thing this has to do with Red Lobster is that I've seen a crazy amount of surf & turf ads via these games from Outback Steakhouse.  Looks like a good price for their steak and lobster.  I might have to check it out.

Identifying hot ad women

My new distraction for the day:

http://whoisthathotadgirl.tumblr.com/

Ever wonder who some tight little nameless hottie was in some commercial you saw?  This is the place to find out.

It's amazing how many of the women I look at on the site having paid no attention to them in the actual commercial, but now that they are featured it becomes obvious they are beautiful.  I guess I'm getting old and losing it or going blind (or both...).

Mucus Snot and Sinuses oh my!

Pretty sure you couldn't force more mucus down my throat if you stuffed a fire hose up my nose.

This is what happens when you let children touch you.  I should've known better.

Now I have to go get some pseudo-ephedrine like some fucking criminal meth head.

Damn you infectious diseases wrought on this world by children.

This sign would've been useful...

This would've been useful for a couple of people I encountered this week.  One guy on the train, and a lady at my gym.  Beano folks, let's use it. 

I am not an artist. I don't even play one on TV.

Was dragged to what I was told was a "modern art in 3D experimental performance" last week.  This was more than just a fish out of water type of experience.  It was simply fucked up people doing fucked up things calling it art.  I've seen some shitty art in my day, but wiping my ass and calling the paper art would've been more artistic.  Perhaps the most wasted moments of my entire life, and believe me, I've experienced some pretty terrible "I'll never get that afternoon of my life back" types of things.  So word to the wise, if someone offers to bring to this and the alternate choice is electro-shock therapy to your testicles, go with the nut blaster.  Imagine the worst art you've ever seen, with audio, scent, and pompous pricks walking throughout the room chatting with artists (including performance artists) while they work, all the while nibbling on pretentious snacks (no you may not call that fucking thing an hor d'oeuvre) while sipping wine that was secretly decanted from a box about 15 minutes ago.  Good thing there weren't sharp objects in the room or I might have been tempted to use them.

Life has settled into a hectic but good pace since I left Red Lobster.  While I had hoped to write some new content sooner, it didn't happy.  You get what you pay for around here.  But the good news is I have the creative itch and have been making a long list of stories I should eventually tell here.  Top secret intel on the jerk-asses I've served over the years.  And probably some stories about some staff too.

 One of the next few posts will definitely be covering the advent of the smart phone and the douche-bags using them.

Public service announcement regarding breast cancer

Best. News. Article. Ever.

 Saw this on MSN...and well...I had to share!  I the Lobster Guy and I endorse this message!

Squeezing breasts could prevent cancer

Getting to second base, the holy grail for hormonal boys, is now science: New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer. This doesn’t give pervy dudes license to grope you on the subway, ladies, but it does mean boob-grabbing should be a regular part of your self-care routine (yes, absolutely try it DIY-style). Experiments found that physical pressure led cells back to normal growth patterns, and that even after compression was no longer applied, the malignant cells stopped growing. Spread the word, boob-lovers of the world. [Source]


And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch and wants to flame me, this is tongue in cheek but a serious subject.  At least a handful of women in my family have had breast cancer, and it killed both of my grandmothers.  So have fun preventing it!

Christmas - The Season's Upon Us

Christmas without having to work at the Lobster is a gift in itself.  And I'm looking forward to drinking myself blind on New Year's Eve and sleeping in the next day until the threat of pissing myself forces me to get up.

I don't have a lot of close family (though I do have a large family) so generally I end up with my old lady's family.  And short of the hot skanks in the video below, it looks a lot like that, though dominoes are sure to make a showing every day.



If you are waiting tables this week, may your bank at the end of the night be big, your customers generous and patient, and you cooks mostly sober!  Be safe out there, have fun, and merry fucking Christmas!


My Christmas list if you are buying (it's your money, so I'm going to be generous to myself):

Lagavulin Scotch Single Malt 16 Year

I tried this Scotch a while back and was impressed.  Outside my normal, but an interesting contrast.

Michael Jackson's Complete Guide to Single Malt Scotch

The only thing ever made by a Michael Jackson I'd be willing to admit I own.

Ole Smoky Tennessee Apple Pie Moonshine 750ml

This is to help me forget my name on New Years.

Macallan Scotch Single Malt 18 Year 750ML

I tried this at an upscale joint a while back (don't ask what the pour price was...) and was blown away.  Thankfully, I wasn't paying that bill.  The old lady's boss likes a good Scotch and doesn't like to drink it alone.  Me likey!

New Balance Men's M990 Heritage Running Shoe

Yes, I'm that old fat bastard that runs in New Balance shoes.  I have to do something to keep from getting fat(er).  Between booze, not waiting tables, and being home near the fridge more, the shoes should probably be first on my list.

Apple iPad (16GB, Wi-Fi, White) 3rd Generation

I'm tired of carrying my laptop everywhere.  I had a Netbook, but that sucker fried itself a while back.  I think my Macbook might be on its way out too (yes I backup regularly).  With an iPad I'd just build a low price box for my home and use the iPad 90% of the time I suspect.  Since I already have an iPhone, the iPad seem the way to go.  If I have to spend my own money, I may very well venture into one of the Chromebooks.  The old lady already has one of the Amazon Kindle HD's (she's the early adaptor of the household, I get her stuff as hand-me-downs, which is how I'm rocking an iPhone now).  And since the old bag won't share her fun toys, I'll just have to get my own.  No perv, that doesn't mean sex toys.

Bicycleing and cigarrettes

If I see you riding a bicycle while smoking it says one of two things to me*:

1)  You're a teenager trying way too hard to look cool.  I'm not cool, but even I know that is a lame look bro. (yes, it's always a young male)

2)  You're a stupid drunk.  If you're rolling down the street smoking a fag** on a 1980's vintage 10 speed or your kid's BMX bike it leaves no doubt that you got drunk (again), got busted (again again), and lost your license.


*Only in America.  The Chinese chain smoke while riding.  
**See what I did there?  Worked in some British slang in honor of the Olympics.

Clearing the room

Have you ever farted and cleared a room?  Or had it so bad YOU had to leave the room?  Yeah...I know nothing of that.  AT ALL.

It has been no secret my outright hostility towards the upper leadership (ha - you call that leadership?) of Red Lobster the past 5-7 years, but especially the past 3 years.  There was a time Red Lobster was a great place to work for/at.  The company cared for their employees and actively took steps for retention and employee satisfaction.  Those days are long gone.  I have enough years under my belt with Darden/Red Lobster to know the management in Orlando look like a duck in a storm right now.  Calm on the surface but swimming like hell under the water trying to get somewhere safe.

But their ideas for safe have been to subvert the very hands that feed them.  Just when I think Darden couldn't do something more stupid to fuck with their key staff - the ones who interact directly with their guests - the face of the company - just when I think that they go and screw shit up worse than ever before.

Darden is a big company, but don't be fooled, their ship is on the outer edges of a large whirl pool that is trying to suck them under.  They still can turn the ship and get out of it, but from what I've seen, there isn't anyone with the sense or balls to make that happen.  So rats are starting to jump off the ship.  The rats are always the first ones to go.  They haven't bought the bull-shit the captain is selling that he can get the boat back on course.  They see and sense what is happening, and their self preservation instincts let them know when the time is right.

The time is right.  Even if they turn the ship, I'm not waiting that long to see it happen.  I've worked hard for a lot of years to get to a place where my interests (read income streams) outside of Red Lobster pay considerably more for my time and talents.  So much more that it is no longer worth my time to put up with the corporate bull-shit Darden keeps shoveling our way expecting us to eat it and grin.

I announced a while ago that this day was coming (it came a while back actually), and it couldn't come soon enough.  You know how when you know your relationship is dead, but you still keep on showing up to fuck her because it is what you've become accustomed to?  Yeah, that's been me for about 4 months.  It was time.

What the future holds for me?  Well, a lot of things.  The past 7 days has been largely nothing but skimpy bikini's, sun, endless margaritas and all inclusive resort life.  The beaches just south of Cancun are particularly nice this time of year.  And the bikini's are smaller than I remember them.  And that is in no way a complaint.

We're going to Burning Man at the end of the summer.  I thought it would be totally ironic to show up in a lobster outfit, but then I thought about that for a few minutes and came to the conclusion that less is more in the desert.  So maybe the sun will make me look like a cooked lobster, but no suit.  I've been wanting to do this for years, and this year my old lady is making it happen for me.  Kinda a celebratory gift for a great last year and my leaving fried seafood hell.

The other thing with Burning Man is that I'll be creating and hopefully selling (or making contacts to sell) some art.  While I won't go into details on it (nor will I be selling it here) my art is my true passion in life.  Though it has increasingly become profitable, it isn't something I could live off of I suspect.  But because of what it does for me creatively, it's something I'll continue pouring myself into regardless of the returns.

And I'll continue to grow my investment portfolio.  Through some well timed moves, shrewd business partners, and a bit of luck, we've grown my other business through this recession by about 375%.  That's going to take a lot of my time as I figure out both whether that growth is sustainable, and for how long.  I think there is a lot more potential there for us and I'm ready to press fully into that with the hopes of retiring no later than 55.  A man has to have a goal right?

I haven't decided yet what I'll be doing with the blog.  I have tens of thousands of stories which have gone untold over the years.  Some because they'd reveal who I am to people I'd prefer not knowing.  Others because I just never found time to put the ink on the screen.  So part of me wants to keep this creative outlet.  Part of me wants to just make a break and walk away.  It remains to be seen which part of me will win out.  Either way, I'll keep the blog up for archival purposes if nothing else, to have a record of my journey the last few years of my life with the Lobster.

Red Lobster hates its employees.  That was the original title of this blog, and it has never been truer than today.

Strange thoughts from under a shamrock

1)  Strippers shouldn't have braces.  I'd rather you be all snaggle toothed or meth-mouthed or using dentures.

2)  Nobody looks good in a green thong.  Maybe out of said thong, but not in said thong.

3)  What is it that every stripper wears for a scent?  No, I'm not talking crack sweat and brass pole.  There's some weird, artificial, yet not displeasing smell that every stripper I've ever encountered had.  And I've been in strip clubs in nearly ever corner of the country and some overseas while in service years ago.  Well...the Thai strippers didn't smell the same, but half of them were dudes so I don't think that counts.

4)  What is it about crazy holidays that manages to get me in a strip club? 

5)  Why does my old lady like strip clubs more than me at this point in my life?

6)  What the hell is the point of pasties?  I mean she can grind her giblets on my nose but I'm not supposed to know what is under that sticker?

7)  Pasties would be better if they were scratch and sniff.

8)  Don't order Scotch at low rent strip clubs.

9)  I won't strip for my old lady.

10)  Happy St. Green Beer's Day!

Shoes for Crews winners notified

Thanks all who responded (and read) about the Shoes for Crews giveaway I have been running.  I just emailed our five lucky winners!

Shoes for Crews are always a good deal, and you can order any time (there's a link in my sidebar).  Don't settle for less when your health and safety are involved.  Even though I'm a cheap bastard, I won't cut corners here.

Beer - Not quite a Server Secret Weapon - but important

RateBeer has recently released their 2012 best breweries in the world list.  I don't drink beer for volume - those days are long gone - but will indulge for quality.  I have a handful of beer snob friends who also allow me to sample a fairly wide range as well as some great home brews.  I've included the Top 25 below (the list goes to 100).

I've had beer from 2, 3, 9, 11, 14, 15, 22, 23, and 25 of those listed below.  Add to it the other full list and I've sampled from 33, 35, 36, 43, 59, 63, 66, 72, 85, and 100.  They are making some really good beer in Michigan if you look at the list.  I'm going to have to do a beer tour there someday.

Number 25 on the list makes my "standby" beer that I keep on hand - Spotted Cow (when I can anyhow - it's only sold in Wisconsin, so I grab a few cases when I'm there visiting friends and family).  It is NOT my favorite beer, but a beer that a wide range of people will drink, and most will find it both agreeable and interesting.  My favorite beer on the planet?  Aventinus Weizen-Eisbock.  Beer Advocate agrees with me.  Yes it is $6 a bottle.  But one bottle will do.  Be warned if you don't heed that advice.  I'm a sucker for a good Weizenbock.  The company that makes Spotted Cow (New Glarus) makes another great beer - Imperial Weizen that while not on par with the Aventinus, is domestic and still outstanding.

Free Shoes! Remember to comment and email me!!

I'm giving away 5 pair of Shoes for Crews shoes.  Click here for details.  Yes for free.  So you have to be either A) pretty stupid B) really lazy or C) both to not enter.  Seriously, it'll take you 20 seconds.  Get off your digital ass and do it.  Plus share it with some friends/family/coworkers to leverage the bonuses!

So far I've had someone write me a poem.  Someone appeal to my intelligence.  Someone try to make me laugh.  Someone wrote me a a rap of sorts.  Plus lots of broke ass blue collar workers.  All of whom are deserving.  But only 5 will win.

As one of the all time great TV Characters would say:

"Free shoes dumb-ass!"

--Red Forman (aka my dad)

Happy New Year - 2012 is here

2012 stands to be a year of change for me.  I'll be ending my run with Red Lobster at some point this year.  While I've greatly cut back my schedule, I seem to be picking up shifts at a pretty rapid pace, so it seems not a whole lot has changed for me there yet.  Yet.  But it will come.  I dream of the day I no longer come home reeking of fried seafood.  I get excited when I think that I may never walk back through the doors of a Red Lobster as an employee.  That day is coming.

Another change in 2012 is that I will begin training for my first full Triathlon.  My old lady has done a few - and I have NO chance of keeping up with her - and she's been egging me on to do one.  I'm a wannabe avid cyclist when time permits.  I've always been a very strong swimmer.  But running flat out sucks.  I do it, only because I'm old and fat and it keeps me from getting older and fatter...well...fatter anyhow.  But I figure once I do it, I can say I've done it, and then hopefully not ever have to do it again.  Then I can retire to the lecherous old guys racquetball league.

The other day I was recruited by a business acquaintance (from my other non-seafood life) to become a Mason.  Felt like a fucking Amway pitch, but slightly more cultish and less fun.  Wins my award for most awkward moment of 2011.  I'm not particularly interested in the Scottish Rite - though infinitely interested in the right Scotch.

Speaking of Scotch - I'm ringing in the New Year the right way with a bottle of Laphroaig 10 year Cask Strength from my reserves.  This is my first time cracking this bottle, and it rates a "holy shit it's good" on my Scotch scale.  It is by no means cheap, but if you are seriously considering entering into the fine single malts of this world, you'd be a damn fool to start elsewhere.  It took me quite a number of years (and shit-tons of money) to find my niche of Scotch that really hits my palate right.  I'm on my third glass of two fingers and a splash of water and I'm warming all over and hoping I stop before I forget my name and regret it in the morning.

I've got to work lunch tomorrow, and a hangover is a bitch of a way to start my 2012.


Fuck it.  We're not going to be busy anyhow...


BTW - if you're not willing to spring for an expensive Scotch on my recommendation alone, start by trying the Glenlivet 12 Year Old.  It'll give you an idea if you should continue down this path without emptying your wallet completely.  I'm lukewarm on Speyside's since I don't know them quite as well, but I do know this Glenlivet and the punishment it has inflicted my my liver all too well.

Scotchelicious - Glendronach has something new

The Glendronach Distillery's Sauternes Finish - Aged 14 Years is now my new favorite Scotch.  Wow.
http://glendronachdistillery.com/products/sauternes14yo.php

Git ye some!

Big changes coming soon.  I'll give details later as more is known.

Rapture Cats

I think all the neighborhood cats have been raptured.


That or my shot is getting better.

Endless shrimp is thankfully, NOT endless

That light at the end of the tunnel out there for all you Red Lobster servers is the end of Endless Shrimp.  Indeed, it will be ending a week from today, November 15, 2010.  There will be a lot of drinking that evening, and rejoicing and celebrating!

Suffice it to say, we've survived yet another AYCE Shrimp promo but with the greatest disdain possible.  I'm pretty sure they serve Endless Shrimp in Hell.

I don't know how much I'll be blogging in the next few weeks.  I have a business trip (my not Red Lobster side) a mini-vacation with my lady, and a minor surgery.  Maybe I'll post while hopped up on opiate based pain killers.  That would be fun!